Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

Check out my lazy AF Valentine’s cherubs:

Just look at them… doing absolutely nothing for me… pretending to be busy, thinking about their grocery list… they can’t even look at me.

Me:  “Guys… WTF?”

Lazy AF Cherubs (Henceforth-> LAFCs):  “Oh, heeeyyyy… we didn’t see you there!  How’s it goin’, man?”

Me:  “I was about to ask you the same thing.  How’s the ‘finding a suitable man for me’ task coming along?”

LAFCs:  “Ohhhh, dude, listen….”

Me:  “Are you guys high?  Again?  Remember what happened the last time you were high and you set me up with what turned out to be a jerk from Vermont?”

LAFCs:  “Uhmmm… nah nah nah… it’s not like that… it’s just…”

Me:  “It’s just what?  You guys have ONE job!”

LAFCs:  “We know… we know….”

Me:  “Really?  You know?  Because all I see is you twiddling your thumbs or picking lint out of each other’s wings….. so how’s about you remind yourselves, out loud, of your ONE job?”

LAFCs:  “We’re… uhmmm… we’re supposed to find you an ecologically stable, stuffed bunny who has a cure for stubble and likes Middle Earth….”

Me:  “… that doesn’t even make sense!”

LAFCs: [staring blankly… blinking slowly]

Me:  “You’re supposed to find me a funny, psychologically stable guy who’s into a sexually exclusive, yet non-suffocating relationship… and who’d be into a chubby, slightly insecure middle-aged woman!”

LAFCs: “Oh shit… listen… we really dropped the ball on what we thought we were supposed to be looking for… but… what you want…?”

Me: “Yeah?”

LAFCs:  “… that’s, like, impossible.  We thought you figured that out after your unsuccessful, and sometimes psychologically disturbing, online dating experiences?”

Me:  “… but….”

*Sigh*

Me:  “Fine….  So, can you get me the ecologically stable, stuffed bunny who has a cure for stubble and likes Middle Earth, then?”

LAFCs:  “We’ll start on that after we get our wings dry-cleaned.  That’s not covered by our service charges, so….”

Me:  “How did they even get dirty like that?  It’s not like you’ve been going anywhere, looking for a man or bunny… you can’t even FLY in those itty-bitty wings… they’d never carry your weight….”

LAFCs:  “Pot calling kettle black?”

Me:  “Send me the bill….”

 

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