Check out my lazy AF Valentine’s cherubs:
Just look at them… doing absolutely nothing for me… pretending to be busy, thinking about their grocery list… they can’t even look at me.
Me: “Guys… WTF?”
Lazy AF Cherubs (Henceforth-> LAFCs): “Oh, heeeyyyy… we didn’t see you there! How’s it goin’, man?”
Me: “I was about to ask you the same thing. How’s the ‘finding a suitable man for me’ task coming along?”
LAFCs: “Ohhhh, dude, listen….”
Me: “Are you guys high? Again? Remember what happened the last time you were high and you set me up with what turned out to be a jerk from Vermont?”
LAFCs: “Uhmmm… nah nah nah… it’s not like that… it’s just…”
Me: “It’s just what? You guys have ONE job!”
LAFCs: “We know… we know….”
Me: “Really? You know? Because all I see is you twiddling your thumbs or picking lint out of each other’s wings….. so how’s about you remind yourselves, out loud, of your ONE job?”
LAFCs: “We’re… uhmmm… we’re supposed to find you an ecologically stable, stuffed bunny who has a cure for stubble and likes Middle Earth….”
Me: “… that doesn’t even make sense!”
LAFCs: [staring blankly… blinking slowly]
Me: “You’re supposed to find me a funny, psychologically stable guy who’s into a sexually exclusive, yet non-suffocating relationship… and who’d be into a chubby, slightly insecure middle-aged woman!”
LAFCs: “Oh shit… listen… we really dropped the ball on what we thought we were supposed to be looking for… but… what you want…?”
Me: “Yeah?”
LAFCs: “… that’s, like, impossible. We thought you figured that out after your unsuccessful, and sometimes psychologically disturbing, online dating experiences?”
Me: “… but….”
*Sigh*
Me: “Fine…. So, can you get me the ecologically stable, stuffed bunny who has a cure for stubble and likes Middle Earth, then?”
LAFCs: “We’ll start on that after we get our wings dry-cleaned. That’s not covered by our service charges, so….”
Me: “How did they even get dirty like that? It’s not like you’ve been going anywhere, looking for a man or bunny… you can’t even FLY in those itty-bitty wings… they’d never carry your weight….”
LAFCs: “Pot calling kettle black?”
Me: “Send me the bill….”
*****