Tag Archives: socially awkward

I’m a Loser, Baby… #765,986 in a Never-Ending Series…

Dear Friends, Strangers of the Internet:


While walking the pups by the tennis courts after work just now, this guy in a wheelchair almost ran us over.  Henry’s afraid of all kinds of wheels (bikes, skateboards, scooters, and apparently, wheelchairs) so when he visibly pulled away from the guy, he asked me if Henry had something against handicapped people.  At first I was like, no no no, it’s just the chair, on account of the wheels.  “And what about that one?” he pointed to Sasha.  No, she’s cool with everything and everyone.  Sasha sashayed over to him and started licking him.  “Her breath really stinks!  Does she eat shit?”  he asked.  What?  “Does.  She.  Eat.  Shit?”  Uhm… she hasn’t done that in a while, I said.  “Oh… well they do that, you know?” he said.  Yes, I said, I know.

He asked for their names and I told him.  “You gave them human names… do you have actual children?” he asked.  No.  “Oh,” he said, “do you live with someone?”  Not anymore, I said.  “Well, single women who don’t have children usually give human names to their dogs to make up for the fact that they don’t have real children….”  I’m sure someone’s doing a psychological study about that right now, I said.  “Well, whatever… have a nice evening,” he said as he rolled away.  You, too, I said.

And as I turned around to gather the leashes to continue my walk, there was a man on the other side of the fence, in one of the courts, and he said, “Hi.”  Completely stunned, I managed a surprised, “Hi.”  “Sorry you saw that,” he said, as he was folding his pants, “…my striptease just now….”  I was at a loss for words… first the wheelchair bound guy with the subtle mental challenges talking about dog poop, then this really cute guy at the tennis courts… the juxtaposition was too great.   I was caught off guard.  Cute guys never talk to me.  So all my brain could muster was, “well, at least I didn’t have to pay…”  And he gave me a weird look.

And THAT dear friends, strangers of the internet, is why I am still single.  Because not only was that a thoroughly lame response, but it made me sound like I pay men to take their clothes off…. *sigh*