My New Dyson Just Made My Carpeted Stairs Its Bitch


Unlike the poor gal in the ad, Christmas came early for me this year… and I didn’t lay on the floor fondling my Christmas gift.

After losing the war on fur and doggie dust, I invested in a Dyson Cinetic Animal vacuum. I was as excited as a repressed, brainwashed 1950s housewife – minus the sexist, pain-in-the-ass husband. Sadly, as I tested it out on the carpeted stairs, I realized that I wasn’t wearing of those fabulous Dior dresses that made the ’50s one of the best decades for women’s fashion. Although, admittedly, it’d be awkward vacuuming stairs with kitten heels on. Nevertheless, I feel that, having invested a shitload of money in that thing, I really should have made more of an effort – it was like Dyson was kind of slumming it with me.  And it was our first time.  Oh well.  One day, I’ll get dolled up, bake a cake, vacuum, and then make myself a Sidecar, sit on the chesterfield and listen to Doris Day as I marvel at my housewifeyness.

Hoovers used to be great vacuum cleaners – the Cadillacs of vacuums. My mum had one for almost 30 years – the heavy, metal ones with the cloth bag. That thing had a powerful motor – it roared! Deafening decibels aside, the thing worked like a Clydesdale. It’s not the same anymore. Nothing is.
Maybe Dyson will be the new Hoover.  And maybe people will use the word Dyson like they sometimes use the word Hoover – ie: ‘when I take my dogs out on garbage night, they Hoover the neighbourhood’ might become: ‘when I take my dogs out on garbage night, they Dyson the neighbourhood.’   As with most things, I suppose, only time will tell.  But so far, so good.  There’s no metal, but the plastic is the same kind used for riot shields – so it’s tough. The suction is great. I haven’t tried it yet, but there’s an attachment to vacuum the dogs! (The girl should be fine with it – nothing really scares her; but the boy might poop his lil’ dog pants, so maybe I’ll pass on him.) No filters of any kind to replace. It’s relatively quiet as far as vacuums go. There’s no dust being blown around like with other vacuums – HUGE benefit. The only drawback is that the collection canister fills up fairly quickly – or is my house just really dirty? And cleaning it out isn’t quite as easy-peasy (or clean) as they make it out to be. My hands were filthy and I had to hold my breath, there was so much dust flying around while I was tapping it over the garbage can – and yes, you really should dump it out in a large garbage can, outside… or risk looking like a dust bunny just exploded on your face….

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